"ALICE IN WONDERLAND" teleplay Written for Television by Peter Barnes Originally aired on NBC in the U.S. on 2.28.1999, 8-11 P.M. EST [BEGINNING CREDITS, AS LISTED (these play from where noted below until noted once more; "-" DENOTES NEW CREDITS LAP-DISSOLVE): ALICE IN WONDERLAND - ROBBIE COLTRANE - WHOOPI GOLDBERG - BEN KINGSLEY - CHRISTOPHER LLOYD - PETE POSTLETHWAITE - MIRANDA RICHARDSON - MARTIN SHORT - PETER USTINOV - GEORGE WENDT - GENE WILDER - and TINA MAJORINO as Alice - Also Starring - KEN DODD JASON FLEMYNG SHEILA HANCOCK - SIMON RUSSELL BEALE LIZ SMITH ELIZABETH SPRIGGS - DONALD SINDEN as the voice of THE GRYPHON JOANNA LUMLEY as the voice of TIGER LILY - Visual Effects Supervisor DAVID BOOTH - Creature Effects by JIM HENSON'S CREATURE SHOP - Edited by ALEX MACKIE - Music by RICHARD HARTLEY - Costume Designer CHARLES KNODE - Production Designed by ROGER HALL - Director of Photography GILES NUTTGENS - Line Producer CHRIS THOMPSON - Executive Producers ROBERT HALMI SR. ROBERT HALMI JR. - Produced by DYSON LOVELL - Based on the Book by LEWIS CARROLL - Written for Television by PETER BARNES - Directed by NICK WILLING] ("*" denotes voiceover thought) FADE IN: A huge metronome begins singing across the screen back and forth, causing thunderous booms. ALICE, tiny, walks into view in the otherwise all black background. Eventually we get a close view. She looks quite nervous. ALICE (sings) Cherry ripe, cherry ripe Ripe I cry Fools and fair ones Come and buy Cherry ripe, cherry ripe Ripe I cry... The camera zooms high above Alice's head as she looks up while singing the last words, as if falling a distance as her voice trials off. Her image fades away into what we see as, when the camera zooms out, her eye. ALICE is now looking straight into a mirror on a vanity, nervous still, while her nanny combs her hair, humming the same song. NANNY (stopping) Alice, what's the matter child? You look pale as a ghost. ALICE I can't do it, Nanny. NANNY They don't expect you to sing until after tea. You've got another half an hour to practice. GOVERNESS And relax. Drink a strong cup of herbal tea. It's what I used to do when I was on the boards. ALICE (turning to her) I can't do it. I can't sing. GOVERNESS It's just stage fright. There's nothing to be afraid of. I shall be with you. It's all in the mind, child. ALICE You can't make me sing. I won't. I _won't_. GOVERNESS Now, we'll have none of that, young lady! MOTHER (rushing in) Everyone's here. Have you seen my...? ALICE (interrupts) Mummy, please don't make me sing. NANNY She's a little nervous, ma'am. GOVERNESS Perfectly natural. I've seen it often. NANNY leaves room through a back door as conversation continues. MOTHER Alice, you promised me and your father. All the guests are so looking forward to it. GOVERNESS It's expected. MOTHER Of course, dear, if you really don't want to, your father and I will understand though we'll be very disappointed. ALICE I don't want to disappoint you and Daddy. MOTHER Don't worry, darling. I'm sure you'll make us all very proud. (leaves room) GOVERNESS (following her out) And remember, Alice, whatever happens flood or earthquake the show must go on! (sings) Cherry ripe, cherry ripe Ripe I cry Fool and fair ones come and buy... As GOVERNESS leaves, her voice fades out. ALICE moves over to a chair near her cat and sits down. ALICE Oh, what am I going to do, Dinah? Out of all the songs I have to sing "Cherry Ripe"! Clock chimes four, zoom in on clock. Dissolve in title, followed by cast & crew members' names as many of ALICE's toys are filmed, such as a Tweedle doll, a house of cards, a pop-up house, a tea set, and a stuffed white rabbit. The orchestra accompanies the footage. Camera goes under steps, then outside the steps as ALICE walks down them. Shot changes to outside at the tea party where we see people who will become Wonderland characters as waiters offer food and MOTHER and FATHER walk around speaking to them: MR. MOUSE and MR. DODO play chess, MR. DUCK, MR. EAGLET, and MISS LORY play cards and a cad who will become SIR JACK, THE KNAVE OF HEARTS flirts with a woman. The waiters will be the FISHFACE FOOTMAN and FROGFACE FOOTMAN. SIR JACK (CAD) (to waiter's food) Thank you, no. WOMAN No thank you. SIR JACK (CAD) (touching woman's face) Just one... (woman gasps) Sorry. It was just a fly. There are two men who will be the the voice of THE MARCH HARE and the man who will be the MAD HATTER playing with bread rolls. MAD HATTER (CHINLESS IDIOT) (to the man who will become the HARE, who is holding up rolls as rabbit ears) Well done. (to food as it is offered) No. There's a stiff MAJOR CATERPILLAR, a sneezing DUCHESS and her com- panion (COOK), and the croquet-playing society couple to be the KING OF HEARTS and QUEEN OF HEARTS. ALICE watches from the front door. ALICE How can they expect me to sing in front of all these stran- gers? We hear a thunderous metronome tick as she looks over at one near- by on a table, and a yapping dog scares her inside, slamming the door. ALICE escapes out a side door. In the next shot, we see her retreating under a large apple tree with its branches leaning towards the ground. ALICE sits down, determined. ALICE (credits stop before she speaks) I'll go back later when it's all over. ALICE looks up at the sky, where gray clouds seem to quickly cas- cade overhead and thunder rumbles. Her eyes get heavy and drift toward an apple on the tree, which very slowly falls and stops in midair. Everything takes on a whiter tint when suddenly a worried voice is heard: a white rabbit's. THE WHITE RABBIT (rushing along, whimpering) Oh dear! Oh me! Oh! Oh... (pocket watch chimes and he takes it out) Oh dear! Oh dear! I'll be so late! Oh, me! Oh... oh... oh dear! ALICE gets up and follows him through the thicket and into a dark burrow. She slowly walks through until she suddenly falls, quick- ly and unexpectedly. ALICE Aaaaaaahhhhh!!! At first falling down a dirt and grass tunnel, suddenly, her speed decreases. She comes upon a much cleaner area, filled with objects. Slowly, she floats by many "above-world" things, from candles to windows, playing cards, and books. ALICE *I wonder what latitude or longitude I've got to. I've no idea what latitude and longitude are, but they're grand words.* Longitude... latitude... ALICE drops onto a bed-- literally-- of dry sticks. The rabbit is not far ahead. RABBIT (looking at watch) Oh, my furry ears and whiskers! Look how late it's getting! Oh! Late! Late! Late! (he rushes down a hall and through a door at the very end. ALICE gets up and slowly follows glancing about her: doors are lines up neatly on the right side and candles held by lamps line the left) ALICE *Perhaps I fell right through the earth and come out the other side. I shall have to ask somebody the name of the country. Please ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?* (suddenly room gets smaller as Alice walks on) That's strange. Hmm... ALICE gets on her knees and pushes the creaking door open. From the other side, ALICE is regular-sized in comparison to the door. She gets up and shuts the door which creaks again. ALICE is in rotunda with doors along the walls all around. She runs from locked door to locked door, trying to get in them with no luck. ALICE (turning from a door) *Now that I'm in, how do I get out?* ALICE turns to see a glass table standing directly in the center of the hall. She walks to it and discovers a tiny golden key. Looking from side to side she notices a closed curtain off the side of the room. ALICE goes up to it, where it opens by itself. A little door is revealed. She gets down on her knees and uses the key, and the door opens. Behind it is a bright, beautiful garden, which causes ALICE to gasp in delight. Tiny butterflies flutter around and birds twitter. ALICE If only I was smaller... ALICE closes and locks the door. When she turns to the table, there is a bottle filled to the top sitting on the table, with a label hanging off the neck that reads "Drink Me". ALICE (she walks up to it and picks it up) *That wasn't there be- fore. I wonder if it's all right to drink. If you drink too much from a bottle marked "poison", it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later. This bottle's not marked "poison."* ALICE uncorks it, and takes a swallow. ALICE Mm... Suddenly her feet begin to shrivel and swell and her hand leaves the bottle, causing it to spill out as shrinks in utter surprise. Finally, her legs finish morphing, and the bottle drops closeby, still about half-full, with a loud clunk. ALICE (gasps) ALICE then looks up at the table-- and at the key-- in despair. ALICE Oh, no. (she sits down) Now what am I supposed to do? ALICE then notices that she's sitting on something... something that isn't the floor. Standing up, she finds that it is a large glass box, which opens as she sees it, full of little cakes marked "Eat Me" on the tops. ALICE Curiouser and curiouser. (she takes one out, but it is so large to her that she has to use two hands) *If it makes me grow taller then I can reach the key... and if it makes me grow small- er I can creep under the door. Either way, I'll get into the gar- den.* ALICE takes a bite of it. Suddenly, her hands swell, and her height rapidly increases as we see when the shot changes. She drops the cake as she grows larger and larger and then into the vault of the hall, where she suddenly shows distress. We see that ALICE towers see a view from the vault, and she is enormous in comparison to the table. Another view of her face shows that now her arms have become stuck. ALICE (frantically) I'm stuck. I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do? RABBIT (entering through a door) Oh, the Duchess will be abso- lutely savage if I keep her waiting. ALICE (pleading desperately) Please sir, can you help me? The RABBIT slowly turns around to see Alice, much larger than he. RABBIT Hmm...? Er... (screams in surprise and drops his gloves and fan) Suddenly a giant tear falls from ALICE'S eye and she begins to cry giant tears, which splash onto the floor, causing the RABBIT to scramble. RABBIT Are you crying? (shrieks as he dodges a tear) ALICE (annoyed) Yes! RABBIT Well, fortunately, I speak both "crying" and "sobbing" fluently. Aah! (jumps around) Aah! But I can't stay. I'm late! ALICE (crying, in the same manner as the plead) No! RABBIT (avoiding tears splashing) Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! The RABBIT runs through a door. ALICE calms a little, and stops crying. There is a semi-shallow pool of tears filling the whole hall. ALICE Yesturday everything was so normal. Now look at me-- I'm huge and I'm stuck! All of a sudden, ALICE's legs begin to grow down, and we now see the shining gloves and fan on and in ALICE's hands. ALICE I wonder what's making me grow smaller. It must be this fan. ALICE quickly drops the fan and takes the gloves off her hands, just before she shrinks so small, she goes under in the pool of tears she just cried. When she resurfaces, she is swimming in a dark, sewer-like tunnel. A mouse swims close by her. ALICE Mr. Mouse! (there is no reply, so she grabs hold of his tail and rides along until he goes onto a set of stairs leading up out of the water) Mr. Mouse! (the mouse suddenly changes form to an actual man dressed like a mouse) Mr. Mouse... MR. MOUSE How did you know my name, young lady? ALICE (taking hold of the platform) You did look like a mouse. MR. MOUSE I'm late. Come with me. I've a very important lecture to deliver and everyone will be there. MR. MOUSE holds his hand out and helps her out of the water, as she struggles to help pull herself out. (NOTE: In the initial airing, cut here for a commercial break) Cut to ALICE and MR. MOUSE, who are now walking through a giant library of books, slates, candles, and the like, all equally giant due to Alice's current size. They continue to walk through as they speak. MR. MOUSE My lectures... my lectures have to be seen and heard to be depreciated. Of course, they divide people. Last time, the whole audience hissed-- _hissed_-- all except one man. He was applauding the hissing. (a bouncy orchestral intro plays) (sings) What am I going to talk about? What am I going to do? Whatever it is I'll talk about You can be sure isn't new, not new Not new I am an English lecturer The most famous of my time Because I stick with the same old words And never change a li-i-ine Not a line (trilling) Not... (trilling) Not a line (laughs) (speaks) Not a line. My mother couldn't carry a tune, not even if it had handles! (laughs) Silly old trout. ALICE laughs at this, and they are now at the lecturing spot. Here, MR. EAGLET, MR. DODO, MISS LORY, and MR. DUCK step out of the pages of the giant books, which make cracking sounds. As the creatures emerge, there is yawning and such coming from them. They are to be the audience. MR. MOUSE (spotting each) A most depressing venue. The dis- temper's coming off at the knees. Still, the audience look lively enough. That's the mean thing. I mean, they're not dead... not yet. What's your name if it isn't a rude question. ALICE Alice. MR. MOUSE Oh, well, that's not your fault. As the others get closer, MISS LORY nears ALICE, touching a strand of her hair. MISS LORY Er... you're wet! MR. MOUSE Sit down. I'll soon make her dry enough. My lecture is the driest thing I've ever heard of. (chuckles) Evryone sits down upon books and things and talk softly amongst themselves while MR. MOUSE stand upon a book in front of them. A blackboard behind him reads "Cherry Ripe Cherry Ripe." MR. MOUSE (stammering) Settle down, everybody, whilst I clear my throat. He makes various noises toclear his throat, eventually slapping the backside of his neck. MR. EAGLET Get on with it. MR. DUCK Walnuts. MR. MOUSE pulls papers out from his waistcoat pocket. MR. MOUSE Oh, well... (clears throat) well, now then. (reads) "William the Conquereor, whose cause was favored by the Pope--" MISS LORY (stands) Oh! Oh! MR. MOUSE Did you speak? MISS LORY I don't think so. (laughs) As MR. MOUSE continues, MISS LORY groans and sits back down. The party quickly become bored and nearly doze off. As he finishes each paper, MR. MOUSE throws them off to the side. MR. MOUSE "Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him. And even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canturbury, found it advisable to meet William Atheling and offer him the crown." How are we getting on now, my dear? ALICE (annoyed) I'm as wet as ever! It doesn't seem to dry me at all. MR. DUCK brushes her arm with his backhand, and ALICE gives him a look of irriation. MR. MOUSE Are you sure? Oh, I don't like the sound of it. MR. DODO (coming from a doze) None of us do. In which case, I move the meeting adjourn... ALL Hear! Hear! MR. DODO And we immediately if not sooner adopt more energetic remedies to facilitate a cure for wetness, per se... MR. EAGLET Speak English! MR. DODO What I was going to say was, ipso facto, the best thing to get her dry would be... a caucus race! MISS LORY (gasps) ALICE What's a caucus race? MISS LORY A caucus race! A caucus race! The party gets up and begins moving around. ALICE What's a caucus race? MISS LORY I'll pack a few things. MR. DUCK Now you're talking. ALICE Yes, I _am_ talking! Now what's a caucus race? MR. MOUSE The best way to explain a caucus race is... to do it. MR. DODO, MISS LORY, MR. DUCK, and MR. EAGLET all line up in a row side-by-side and move into stances of take-off preparation. MR. MOUSE On your marks... get set... _go_! The racers scatter in all directions, running around in no particular order, making glee shouts as they do. MR. MOUSE holds his hands to his eyes like binoculars as ALICE joins him at his side. MR. MOUSE It's a blistering race, an extraordinary display of skill, determination, and sheer stupidity! ALICE laughs at this, as we see the four running up mountains of books on _either_ side, rulers, etc. MISS LORY grabs onto the cape of MR. DODO, following him... MISS LORY Whee! (laughs) MR. EAGLET Whee! ...and MR. DUCK trips MR. EAGLET. MR. EAGLET Ugh! ALICE They're all cheating! MR. MOUSE (laughing) That's a caucus race! The racers all run up to ALICE and MR. MOUSE. MR. DUCK (kicking MR. MOUSE) So all perish all enemies of the czar! MR. MOUSE Ooh! Ow! MR. EAGLET (kicking MR. MOUSE as well) There's more where that came from! MR. DODO (poking MR. MOUSE with his cane) So, you think I'm a cheat, do you? MR. MOUSE No! Just deformed! MR. DODO No man calls me deformed unless he's certified. MR. MOUSE (points to a post with arrows of the heart, diamond, club, and spade coming off of it) Look! Look! The finishing post! MISS LORY Who's won? Who's won? MR. DODO I vouchsafe that everybody won, and we must all have prizes! (the creatures cheer) MR. DUCK Who's going to give the prizes? MR. DODO (turning to ALICE) Why, Alice, of course. The rest of the crowd turnes to ALICE, eager for their prizes. ALL Oh... ooh... ALICE Um... (reaches down into pinafore pocket, and pulls out a small box) Ha! ALICE opens it up and gives a single comfit to each of the others, open-handed and eager. They all each quickly devour them. MISS LORY (now finished) I think it's time we were all in bed with a cup of hot chocolate. MR. DODO Indubitably! MISS LORY laughs a bit, and they all begin to depart, leaving ALICE. ALICE Wait. Where are you all going? Wait. ALICE, now disappointed, suddenly hears a scurrying of feet and a frustrated voice. We see in the next shot that it is the RABBIT, and ALICE runs to him as he speaks. RABBIT Oh, the duchess! Oh, the duchess! Oh, my sweet paws, oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets! ALICE (now stopped) Oh, what have you lost, sir? RABBIT A pair of white kid gloves and a fan. ALICE Oh, I'll help you find them. RABBIT Hmm? Hmm? (seemingly recognizing her) What are you doing here? ALICE I'm _trying_ to get into the beautiful garden. RABBIT Run home and fetch me another pair of gloves and a fan. Quick! (points in a direction and then runs off) Oh! ALICE He's treating me as if I'm his housemaid! ALICE walks forward a bit and comes upon a book lying flat on the ground that reads "Frederick Rabbit's House" on the front cover. ALICE "Frederick Rabbit's House." She reaches down to the book and grabs the side of a cover and pulls it up. She opens it up and let it drop to the ground, so a pop-up figure page of a house, fence and various yard items. ALICE backs up as we see the house materialize from paper to stone and grass. When we see ALICE again, a breeze is blowing back at her, and she is now dry. As she opens the gate to the fence, the library dims and suddenly ALICE is outside. Birds twitter as she enters a very spacious residence sparsly furnished with some dusty furniture. A table near the center of the room holds serveral pairs of the shimmering gloves and a fan. ALICE *He lives very well for a rabbit. Some of these things must be priceless. (sees the gloves and fan) Or even _more_ ex- pensive! ALICE looks up to see another bottle on a stand protruding from the bottom of the mirror. She walks over to it. ALICE *It doesn't say "Drink Me" like the other bottle.* (she reaches over and picks it up, and as she does, her image freezes in the mirror) I'm sure it'll make something interesting happen. I just hope it makes me grow large again.* (she uncorks it and takes a drink) Eww. That's enough. ALICE sets it back down, and her image moves again. Sweeping her hands against each other, she turns away, but suddenly stops. There is a rumbling noise. ALICE looks down at her hands in time to see both her hands become huge. Looking down at her feet, she watches them grow abnormally as well, and all of a sudden, her head follows. Her body then follows. Her head hits the ceiling and she responds with a gasp, and she is forced to sit. She knocks the table with the gloves down and against the wall with the door. Her left arm shoots through a near window and her left foot is stuck up in the chimney. She sighs, frustrated. She is filling the whole house. ALICE Oh, dear. What am I going to do? (NOTE: In the initial airing, cut here for a commercial break)